The prompt for this "Bear Blog Carnival" (it's my first time participating in one) run by Evie Fae is: An album that got you through a hard time.

Rather than a specific piece of music which I can look to and say, "Yes, my life is like that. I need to hear that", I am thinking of a moment where I needed to listen to something, anything, on repeat.

In my first year of college, I was adjusting fine, really. No big emotional moments, I found some friends quickly who aren't really the ones I'm keeping now, and even though my family was pretty far away I wasn't particularly anxious about the distance. But I think being in a dormitory and constantly in the presence of people which I felt I had little in common with, and I imagine they felt the same about me, gave me little ownership of my surroundings.

I'd wake up early in the mornings, get ready all while my roommate hadn't yet stirred, and when I'd return to our quarters in the afternoon, he would be at his classes. It was honestly miraculous, in that first semester, how little we managed to interact despite living together. And we did get along, but we were different and respected that about each other. (In the second semester he began taking mostly online classes and moved back home; I had the place to myself). But when just getting home, setting my boots and bag on the floor, I'd trudge over and sit or lay down almost immediately. I can't even tell you why I felt so tired.

While I rested then, Björk and Arca's 2017 album Utopia would whir along in the background. I had it in CD form from high school, in fact it was one of my first physical albums. Utopia is a really lush album, its soundscapes are grand and architectural despite their overt biological leanings. It gives peace to the soul and I am happy I had such a rejuvenating piece of music to listen to as a creature comfort.

Memorably, once my roommate returned back to the dorm to fetch something he had forgotten while I was listening. I recall feeling embarrassed, as the sound of Utopia is odd and the way it initially makes you feel is careening… but in retrospect my self-consciousness about my tastes merely reflects my opinions on others', not their true thoughts on me or my preferences.

Utopia is a meditative place for me. I still return there, and when I do explore the album, I find something new and great each time.